The other talk
The OTHER Talk:
A conversation white parents need to have
with our kids about race and racism.
You’ve probably heard about “the talk” that generations of parents have had with their black and brown children. It is a conversation to prepare their children to live and survive in a society where they are going to face racism, bigotry, assault or even death, sometimes at the hands of the Police. Families give their children simple, direct and clear instructions about what to do and NOT do during encounters with Police. Children are taught specific scripts and behaviors in hopes that it will keep them from harm. One parent put it like this: “submit, obey, come home”. Another instructed their eight year old daughter, “put your hands up, say your name, your age, and state that you have no weapons and cannot do any harm”.
No one wants to have this conversation. No one.
An important element of understanding whiteness and white privilege is knowing that that is not a talk we will ever need to have with our children.
BUT, there is another talk that we could have.
What is the conversation white parents could have with our children that would acknowledge that racism is our problem? Racism is the disease we inherited from our parents and our ancestors, even if they were kind, well-intended people. As justice-loving people, it is our responsibility to take a role in eradicating the disease.
The talk with white children could include:
How to resist messages about racial superiority when they see it and hear it.
We want every child to feel positive about their own skin color. But in our society, every child is subjected to the message that light skin is better, more valued, preferable. Our work as white parents includes countering that message and teaching our children to reject the notion that whiteness is superior. It is not okay to think or behave as if we are better than other people just because of our skin color. To be clear, this is not promoting color-blindness (another problematic way of thinking). Just the opposite, we stay clear-eyed and appreciative that people come in many shades of brown, from light tan to dark brown. And, we reject any efforts, messages, policies, or jokes that promote the idea that white people and whiteness is better than being brown and black.
What to do and say when they notice an act of racism, a racial insult, the targeting of black or brown people.
White parents can teach our children and grandchildren scripts and behaviors to use when they witness racism. One such simple script and behavior could be: Put your arms straight in front of you, hands up, palms out, and shout: “Stop! This looks/sounds like something wrong (racist, unfair, hurtful) is happening here. Please stop!”
Witness and testify! The child does not have to find a solution. They are calling/drawing attention to what is happening and labeling it as wrong. They are standing with the person being targeted. They are interrupting the moment of insult, assault, harm.
Teach them the history of white anti-racist activists.
Many decades ago, my eight year old white child asked me: “Mom, are there any white people you admire?” As an anti-racism activist and educator I had worked hard to teach my white children about the history of black and brown people that had been missing. I had neglected to teach them about the history of white anti-racism activists. There is a lot to learn. It is important our children know they follow in the steps of a long legacy of white abolitionists and anti-racist activists. When they “witness and testify” as described above, they can draw from the courage of these ancestors.
One resource: https://crossculturalsolidarity.com
How to live as an ally for racial justice.
Possibly, our most important job as white parents is to model for your children that acting against racism really matters. This is life-long work for all of us. Guidance for living and acting as an ally for racial justice:[from Kayla Reed]
A - always center those impacted
L - listen and learn
L - leverage your privilege
Y- yield the floor
These behaviors might sound a little sophisticated for children, but you will be surprised at how much they are naturally inclined towards fairness and solidarity. They just need us adults to validate the understanding that justice is everybodies’ work. Racism diminishes everyone’s humanity. Dignity is a human right. Stand up, speak up, not on behalf of those targeted, but because you value justice.
By Katie Kissinger
Threads of Justice Collective
